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Lovely Quotes

Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is easy...I've done it hundreds of times.

Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Benjamin Franklin

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Insanity in individuals is something rare -- but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.

Will Rogers

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.

Winston Churchill

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

Charles Dickens

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.

Anonymous

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Men are like bank accounts.Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

The Wise Old Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Men!

Allright, who thought of all those questions? Me's a guy, but me's impressed! Gonna follow this up with the same line of thinking, only this time with Women as the subject!


Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one wouldhit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.. ...

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Out of Order in the Court!

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they areuttered, vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case withlanguage spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army ofcourtroom reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve everystatement made during the proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National ShorthandReporter has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopersin two books - Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court,published a few months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here aresome transcripts, all recorded by America's keepers of the word.
*******************************

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to andwere able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on hernot to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

********************************
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
*******************************
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
*******************************
Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
*******************************
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
*******************************
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
*******************************
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.Cherney, and said he was really good.
******************************
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.

Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.

Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
*******************************
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
*******************************
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.Q. Before or after he died?
*******************************
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under theinfluence?A. Because he was argumentary and he utilized poor grammar.
*******************************
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to adeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
*******************************
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all presentinformation and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
*******************************
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
*******************************
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
Whatschool do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
******************************
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?*******************************
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, wherethere was a victim?
*******************************
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
*******************************
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered youindignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have thefurniture.
*******************************
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did youobserve with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and puton top of my head.
*******************************
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
******************************
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of thisdefendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-and she did!*******************************
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
*******************************
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murdertrial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
*******************************
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
*******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
*******************************
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased,objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
*******************************
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
*******************************
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
*******************************
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.

The Easy English

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.The program would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example,the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'.Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with oneless letter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'.This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan beexpekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'.Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls,difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvernmnt vud finali hav kum tru.